Thursday, January 30, 2014

reflection

Only 11 months to go on this crazy running journey of mine. Every time I upload a workout and slap another 'X' on my calendar, I grow more impressed with my progress. Ah, but what would moments of triumph be without the occasional hiccup?

I found myself in a fit of frustration this week. I've been waging war within for the last 4 or 5 days for reasons unrelated to running, battling the demons that lurk within that occasionally rise to the surface and rattle my sanity.

Real talk? I'm incredibly self-conscious and, as of late, these feelings of insecurity have occupied my time and energy more than should be allowed. Realizing that self-doubt seems to peak at the same time every month, I have it designated on my calendar as my week of self-loathing in an attempt to mentally prepare myself (and to make sure I'm stocked on chips and sweets). But it still doesn't make the demons go away.

Having been out of the running game for so long, I've gotten lazy and sedentary. I've always struggled with body image even when I was in tip-top shape, so you can imagine my disdain when I catch myself in a mirror now when I haven't been logging 60 miles a week. It's sad that I put so much pressure on myself to look, act and be a particular way...but I'd be lying if I said I was completely content with that reflection staring hopelessly back at me.

Wishing I was smarter, prettier, wittier, and any other kind of 'er' has plagued me this week. Running has always been my release, a way to run off all that anger and frustration that I keep bottled up (mostly). So I'd go for a run, a fast run, all out sometimes, in an effort to tire out the demons and run away from all that troubles me. Worst part about being out of shape? The speed wasn't there and all the fast-twitch fibers in my being couldn't make it so.


I wanted so desperately to feel weightless, the wind in my face and the demons at my back, but I couldn't get my legs to go. I wanted the speed, I NEEDED it, but it never came no matter how much I willed it.

I tried to convince myself that since I'm training for an ultra marathon the speed was not only unnecessary, but ill-advised given the risk for injury. But truth is, it tears me up inside and almost confirms all those feelings of self-doubt that I was unable to run away from.

Admittedly, tomorrow is a new day and next week will surely be a better one, but I put this admission of personal struggle out into the universe as a testament to the fact that nothing is, or ever will be, perfect. I had to force myself to look at the bigger picture, at everything I've done right so far, to help me cope with things that threaten to derail me.


Many of the obstacles we face are ones we place in front of ourselves. Acknowledging this reality is the first step you can take in overcoming them. I've run 30 days consecutively and logged over 100 miles since the new year, so I consider this month a win. My demons can suck it.

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